<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>Bad Habits by Xanadian</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27440245">Bad Habits</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Xanadian/pseuds/Xanadian'>Xanadian</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Avatar: The Last Airbender</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Arranged Marriage, Engagement, F/M, Firelord Zuko (Avatar), Hurt/Comfort, Post-Canon, Romance</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-11-07</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-11-07</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-07 02:07:11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>5,298</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27440245</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Xanadian/pseuds/Xanadian</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>We don’t need each other. We’re just each other’s bad habits and we both need to quit.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Mai/Zuko (Avatar)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>50</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Bad Habits</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Zuko’s legs were starting to get stiff as he sat completely unmoved in his chair staring at the pile of papers that he should have gotten to, half an hour ago. Instead from the moment, he had entered his chamber he had just sat, shoulders tensed, fingers gripping the metal rails of his chair too tightly for comfort. All of last week had been like this, he felt like he had hardly moved from this position at all, only his surroundings shifted. Where ever he was, his incensed gaze tried to burn holes with his vision into objects around him.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>‘At least together we know we can be happy, Mai. We know we can make something work.’ Zuko replied, his voice a few tones higher in surprise at Mai’s heartless confession. Words were making their way out of his mouth but he wasn’t even sure his brain had fully processed that Mai had just told him she was getting engaged to some guy she had met a week ago at her mother’s behest.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>When she had broken up with him some months ago. He had never, ever thought things could take this turn. He truly believed it was a time off that they both needed. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>‘I’m not worried about my own happiness, and I know you can find yours elsewhere Zuko – she continued, her eyebrows stitched together as she pleaded with him to see reason. As if, there was even an ounce of reason in what she was telling him. As if, she hadn’t just pieced together the most ridiculous set of words in the world into a sentence. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>‘Never,’ he shook his head incredulously. ‘I’ll never be able to love anyone else like I love you and you know that. Mai, I need you and you need me!’</em>
</p><p>
  <em>‘We don’t need each other. We’re just each other’s bad habits and we both need to quit.’ She turned away from him. Zuko could not believe she had just said that. He couldn’t believe she had reduced <strong>everything</strong> that they had, years and years of love and growth and challenges, to a bad habit.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>‘You don’t mean that,’ he shook his head, convincing himself softly. ‘Why- Why- are you being so stubborn. I accept that I need to be punished because I wasn’t good to you but not like this. Not forever. You’re punishing yourself too.’</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Mai sharply turned to look at him with narrowed eyes, ‘When you left me at boiling rock what was that punishment for? When you took me for granted and shut all your doors to me, what was that punishment for? Now I’m leaving and it’s still me being punished? When do I get to win, Zuko?’</em>
</p><p> </p><p>He jerked his head up from where his eyes were trained at the papers on his desk willing them to burst into flames, at the abrupt knocking on his door.</p><p>‘Come in,’ he ordered.</p><p>A royal advisor from his Trades cabinet walked into the center of the room, and even though he hadn’t begun speaking yet, Zuko wished that whatever he had to say would have already been over by now.</p><p>‘Fire Lord Zuko,’ the advisor bowed, ‘I just wanted to run something by you. I know you gave a go-ahead on the revised trade routes yesterday but I thought I should enlighten you on the situation of a growing problem of bandits and pirates on the third route. Perhaps you would like to reconsi-</p><p>‘You think I don’t know how to do my job?’ Zuko spoke slowly, but curtly, eyes still looking at the papers on his desk.  </p><p>The advisor fumbled for word, ‘N-No, your highness, I never meant-</p><p>‘You think I don’t do appropriate background checks before taking decisions?’ Zuko questioned, looking up slowly from his desk at the advisor who stood confused and a little bewildered at this uncalled-for accusation on Zuko’s end. ‘Would you like to make these decisions instead?’  </p><p>‘N-No, my lord, I-</p><p>Zuko felt pure rage bubbling upwards from his gut and he kept his hands tightly clamped in each other behind him as he stood up, lest there be some casualty that he would later regret.</p><p>‘I-I beg your forgiveness my-</p><p>‘GET OUT!’ Zuko roared and the advisor scampered out of the doorway. Zuko’s gaze followed the man’s retreating back until he looked up to see Suki standing by the door. She had just appeared and seemed taken aback at what she had witnessed.</p><p>He exhaled and turned away from the door, turning to look over the vast expanse of the palace that could be seen from the glass walls in his work chamber.</p><p>‘Zuko, you need to take it easy,’ he heard Suki cautiously announce after she thought she had given him enough time to catch his breath.</p><p>‘Oh, is that why you’re here? Another reminder on how I should be doing things?’ Zuko asked, his voice dripping in sarcasm.</p><p>As his words left his lips, he realised how mean he sounded. After all, Suki was a friend who was only looking out for him.</p><p>He sighed loudly and turned to face her, releasing his hands from behind him, ‘I’m sorry Suki, I just- there’s a lot of stuff going on at the borders and it’s all this high-pressure work.’</p><p>Suki was in his personal security; she knew there were no escalations at the border. Why didn’t he just pick trade or something instead of making a complete idiot out of himself? He felt the anger rising in him again and deliberately closed his eyes to keep a clear mind.</p><p>‘It’s okay,’ she responded softly, ‘just take time off when you need to.’</p><p>‘Yeah,’ he shrugged, glad that for his sake, she was at least pretending to not notice. ‘How’s everything going with work and other …things?’</p><p>‘I just wanted to deliver this to you personally,’ she took a step towards him her outstretched hands holding a letter.  </p><p>Zuko took the letter and tore open the cover. His heart pounded swiftly to the ungraceful fumbling of his fingers through the decorative scroll. Any louder and Suki would hear the maniacal thumping from inside his chest.</p><p>
  <strong>Respected Leader, Fire Lord Zuko, </strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>Your presence and blessings would honour the gathering for the engagement of Michi’s daughter Mai and Long Su’s son Rei. I hope-</strong>
</p><p>Zuko stopped reading and involuntarily crumpled the scroll in his hand even though he had wished to maintain his composure in front of Suki. ‘Thanks,’ he curtly responded, trashing the bit of paper into the fire beside him.</p><p>‘You…knew about this?’ Suki asked slowly.</p><p>‘Do I look like Mai or Rei to you?’ He simply could not keep the bite out of his words anymore. ‘I found out the same way you did.’</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>‘Please tell me this is a sick joke,’ </em>
</p><p>
  <em>‘It’s not, Zuko,’ her voice was so small, it’s almost as if she didn’t want him to hear it. The still air of the garden carried her voice to him regardless. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>‘Mai,’ he implored, as his eyes widened. ‘Don’t do this!’ He took her hands in his and squeezed them, hoping it would rock some sense into her, jerk her back into herself because he couldn’t believe this was Mai. ‘You don’t love him and he doesn’t love you.’</em>
</p><p>
  <em>‘I tried love already! It didn’t work,’ she whispered in exasperation as she turned to him. The anguish reflected in her eyes was so deep that it rendered him speechless. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>‘I want you to know because you still mean a lot to me. But this is the only way. It makes sense.’ </em>
</p><p>
  <em>‘Please don’t say that,’ Zuko begged, ‘Please Mai, I’ll do anything.’ </em>
</p><p>
  <em>‘Forget me,’ she replied softly.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>‘Okay,’ Suki responded, ‘Just-</p><p>‘Good for her though,’ Zuko interjected a little louder than he had intended. ‘Definitely seems like she picked a good match for herself because I haven’t seen that guy smile even once,’ he chuckled bitterly turning back to the glass wall. ‘Send word I’ll be there, would not want to miss out on the celebrations in the slightest.’</p><p>He assumed Suki bowed and left, for all he heard was the heavy click of the door behind her.  </p>
<hr/><p>Zuko entered the archway that was decked in fresh flowers and lit with red, white, and yellow lanterns that led from the front all the way till the main entrance of Mai’s home. There were lights and flowers and decorative banners at every inch of the space and Zuko couldn’t help but wonder how they had managed to plan and execute everything in two short weeks.</p><p>Guests stood at odd intervals acquainting with each other. Quite a few had turned to look at the Fire Lord arrive, and some had even bowed. Zuko could go off on a tangent on what they thought of him showing up like a defeated, thwarted ex-lover at Mai’s engagement, but he was certain there were enough things lined up in the evening to sour his mood in far more creative ways so he held off on that end for now.  </p><p>Michi walked up to him with a warm smile and bowed, ‘Fire Lord Zuko.'</p><p>He placed a respectful hand on her shoulder, ‘Michi please, don’t be so formal. You have treated me like a son.’</p><p>‘And you have treated us like family,’ she responded as her expressions softened.</p><p>‘And yet, you did not feel it necessary to ask for the slightest assistance in arranging this celebration knowing full well the palace is at the service of your family,’</p><p>‘I- all the arrangements were done by Rei’s family,’ Michi smiled.  </p><p>‘How generous,’ Zuko nodded, his voice expressionless. He wondered if the speed at which everything had been arranged hadn’t seemed alarming to Michi or Mai.  </p><p>Michi reached out and squeezed his hand, ‘I’m so happy you came. Mai will be pleased to see you.’ She then added a little hesitantly, ‘You know, we don’t know anyone in their circle, and not many of our family and friends have kept contact with us after Ukano –</p><p>She cut herself off mid-sentence, smoothening her brows that had gotten contorted in worry, ‘it’s all just a little bit too fast. Your presence will make my daughter feel comforted.’</p><p>Zuko nodded reassuringly, recognising a mother’s worry, ‘It’ll be fine, I’m sure.’</p><p>Just as Michi left to entertain the other guests, and Zuko straightened to look around for either the alcohol corner to make himself comfortable at, or Ty Lee who was the only person he expected to know at the party, he saw a three-and-a-half-foot high bundle of excitement bounding over to him.</p><p>‘Zuko!’</p><p>‘Hey, Tom-Tom!’ Zuko smiled, going down on one knee to level with the little guy decked in regal red robes, ‘You look dapper, your highness,’ Zuko bowed to the kid.</p><p>‘Thanks!’ Tom-Tom beamed down at his robes. ‘I don’t like these very much they’re itchy, but ma said I had to wear these and then she would get me that new tank toy I saw yesterday when we were going to see Aunt Mura. Aunt Mura has been kind of sick and she’s always asking about dad and I don’t even know when dad will be back so then I only sit in the garden with Mai.’</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>‘Ma is constantly worried about our family; I have to do something. She chose Rei. He’s a decent guy, from a good family with a good reputation who’s willing to overlook my family’s messed up background and it’s just the right thing to do –</em>
</p><p>
  <em>‘Good family? <strong>Reputation?</strong>’ Zuko narrowed his eyes, turning her to look at him with a firm hold on her shoulders, ‘You don’t care about that! I know you don’t!’ </em>
</p><p>
  <em>‘Yeah well, this isn’t about what I care about or what you care about,’ Mai raised her voice, as her frustration finally caught up with her. Couldn’t he see this was just as hard for her? ‘It’s about doing what’s right and what we have to do. <strong>You</strong> taught me that, Zuko.’ </em>
</p><p> </p><p>‘That’s good, Tom-Tom. Where’s Mai?’ Zuko asked.</p><p>‘I don’t know. I asked if she could come with me but that other uncle, Rei’s dad, said she had to come from the stairs with Rei so I think she’s upstairs.’</p><p>‘Oh, oka-</p><p>‘I have one question,’ Tom-Tom interrupted, ‘Two questions.’</p><p>‘Go ahead,’ Zuko smiled fondly.</p><p>‘Will you still marry Mai? I remember you said you would and you said we would have a big party at the palace with lots of firecrackers.’</p><p>Zuko sighed and stood up, picking Tom-Tom up in his arms as he headed into the main hall.</p><p>‘Mai told me she wanted to tell you about that, so why don’t you ask her this?’</p><p>This was all her doing; she could deal with the consequences too.  </p><p>‘Okay and number two, can I come play at the palace still? Last week I wanted come say hi to the ostrichhorses and Kiyi but ma said I shouldn’t go over, but I really wanted to.’</p><p>Zuko stopped at his words and placed the kid standing on top of an empty table so that they now stood eye-to-eye. ‘Tom-Tom, <em>of course</em>, you can come over. Always. The turtleducks and ostrichhorses love playing with you and so does Kiyi. Just ask Suki or Ty Lee or anyone else, they’ll bring you over whenever, okay?’</p><p>‘Okay, thank you!’ Tom-Tom beamed an impossibly large grin at him.  </p><p>‘Hey, so,’ Zuko leaned closer, dropping his voice to a whisper, ‘do you like Rei? I mean is he nice?’</p><p>Tom-Tom clearly favoured Zuko, and barely knew this other guy, so for whatever it was worth, hearing slander on Mai’s fiancé from her beloved little brother did hold some minute soothing effect and Zuko was going to dig up every last bit of it.</p><p>But instead, all he got was more betrayal.  </p><p>‘Yeah, he’s really nice. He got me this big set of wooden swords and they have these cool writings on them but I don’t know what it says, my Sifu only taught me how to read small words right now and those words are way too big.’</p><p>Zuko straightened in bitter displeasure, ‘After three years at your service young man, all it took was some wooden swords for him to buy your allegiance?’</p><p>‘What’s alley-jance?’</p><p>‘You wouldn’t know,’ Zuko strained as he lifted Tom-Tom and placed him on the floor again, ‘Go run along now.’</p><p>Zuko looked up as Tom-Tom darted away and the lights in the hall were dimmed. The guests broke up their conversations and focused on the stairs where the lights were still bright. Mai and her fiancé Rei, descended the stairs among sounds of approval and awe from the wedding guests.</p><p>Zuko tightened his fists by his side, as he looked at Mai walking down the stairs, smiling at the guests as she neared the center. She looked…like a mannequin. Hair and face dolled up and stuffed into a dress that left no semblance of her personality. An item for others to judge and approve. Her smile looked uncharacteristically dead and he could tell she had practiced it. She was not someone that ever felt the need to smile unless she really wanted to. Until tonight that is.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>‘Did you forget? Did you forget the promises we made? Did you forget the plans we made for our future? All the things we were going to do, and see and learn together?’ Zuko leaned his forehead against Mai’s and shut his eyes as a tear trickled down his cheek. His hands fiercely cupped her face while his thumbs rubbed circles over her ears.   </em>
</p><p>
  <em>He heard her sniffle, ‘I am trying to.’ </em>
</p><p>
  <em>‘You can’t,’ he whimpered, ‘Look me in the eye and tell me you can forget all the days and nights we spent together. Tell me you can forget all the fantasies and stories we wrote for ourselves and our family. Tell me you can forget all the healing.’</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Mai choked on a sob, eyes downcast as she refused to make eye contact, ‘Zuko, you have to let go.’ </em>
</p><p>
  <em>He turned her face up to him so that she had no choice but to meet his teary eyes with her own, that were brimming with fresh tears. ‘Tell me that for the rest of your life when you see a sunset you will not think of me. Tell me that you will be able to watch plays without thinking of what we had. Tell me that when you hold somebody’s else’s hand you will not think of the first day, we walked down the palace stairs together hand-in-hand, and exposed our love to the world against all odds.’ </em>
</p><p>
  <em>She could only respond with a slew of quiet sobs heavy with grief, that tore through her chest.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>She stood beside Rei, her arm hanging limply beside her, making minimal contact with him. They were approached by members of the gathering, offering their sickly-sweet well-wishes.</p><p>He was unable to see her expression from where he stood but her shoulders were taut and her body oddly stiff. He was overcome with a strange mixture of feelings that rushed into his gut. He wanted to grab her hand and rescue her from this nonsense but at the same time, he couldn’t help but draw a small pleasure from her discomfort and the idea that he wasn’t the only unhappy one tonight.</p><p>Zuko spotted Ty Lee from the corner of his eye, as she walked over to where he stood alone, and he had never appreciated company more than right now. Her ability to read auras was surely a gift to her friends. She had also brought over a slim cup of whatever clear alcohol it was that she had picked. Checking off both items on his list in one-go.  </p><p>‘Cheers,’ she raised her glass sideways to him.</p><p>He clinked his glass to hers, ‘to misery.’</p><p>‘Yours or hers? You need to clarify.’</p><p>‘Both,’ he replied.</p><p>‘I can’t drink that much,’ Ty Lee snorted and took a sip of her drink.</p><p>They both watched quietly, staring ahead at the festivities unfolding before them. Zuko cherished the burn of alcohol in his throat.</p><p>‘Did you speak to her?’ Ty Lee finally asked.</p><p>‘Yeah,’</p><p>‘And she really wants to do this?’</p><p>‘She said so,’</p><p>‘And you’re just going to let her?’ she turned sideways to observe him.</p><p>‘What do you want me to do? also, I don’t <em>want</em> to do anything.’ Zuko grimaced mentally at the immediate defensiveness in his tone. ‘This is her engagement. She chose this and I wish her the best. I’m just going to move on.’</p><p>‘Good luck with that,’ Ty Lee replied quietly as she placed a hand on his arm.</p><p>Then she left him alone to wallow.</p><p>He stayed rooted to his spot. Watching Mai gracefully float across the hall greeting all these people he knew she gave not a single care about. Her pale grey tulle gown and the high flowery updo of her hair, made her look like a ghost.</p><p>Then she turned, and her familiar eyes met his. He was taken aback at how colourless she looked despite all the colour on her face. As though her natural glow had been drained and replaced with makeup. Her usual dark eyeliner was gone completely, and it made her look ill. Her lips were tinged a deep red and looked oddly sculpted, circles of pink highlighted her cheekbones and made her look like everything she heard was scandalising her. It occurred to him that he had never seen her wearing lipstick or rouge before. It didn’t look like her. She was someone else.</p><p>She began walking over to him, and he noticed the dress, tightly wrapped around her torso in a way that he assumed had to be uncomfortable. The material too looked like something she would never pick out for herself.</p><p>‘I’m glad you decided to come,’ she said softly. ‘And after all those fake greetings tonight, I actually meant that one.’</p><p>‘Should I be flattered?’ he asked plainly. ‘Because I am.'</p><p>She shifted uncomfortably on the spot, unsure how to lead the conversation further.</p><p>‘Great dress. Great hair and makeup too,’ he commented as she looked at him blankly, ‘Decorations also, wonderful. Somehow all complete opposites of your personality. You’ve definitely got everyone convinced that this is <em>your </em>engagement, great job.’</p><p>‘You don’t know-</p><p>‘Oh, no, no, no,’ he interrupted, ‘I don’t know anything about you or your relationship, or that dull, blank scroll of a man, or his conniving industrial family. Nor do I know anything of your family situation so yes, I will take superficial hints from your absolutely delightful demeanour and the display of affection that is oozing between the two of you, and assume that you must be deeply ecstatic to form this union with the man of your dreams. Fuck, I’ll even drink to that.’ Zuko tipped his glass at her and downed the rest of his drink in one bitter gulp.</p><p>Mai sighed. A sad, painful, pathetic sigh. ‘Join us for dinner, it will be served shortly.’</p><p>He watched her drooping shoulders as she turned and retreated and once again there was a mixture of guilt and sick pleasure, he got from the way he had made her feel.</p><p>She wasn’t the only one who could cause heartache. In fact, he was making it easier on her to get over him. He chuckled darkly at the thought. He was being reminded how easily the bad guy bit came to him and how natural it was for him to be a jerk. The good guy bit was just so exhausting sometimes.</p><p><em>Must be the genes</em>, he shrugged, looking around for more alcohol.</p><p>Zuko followed the rest of the crowd as they shifted to the dining hall. The guests were welcomed on thick silk carpets in the doorways while the entrance was covered in ivy and an obscene number of lanterns. Zuko might have barfed at the forced romanticism of it all. So might have Mai.</p><p>Over dinner, he continued to watch her at her table, which was different from his own. Her mother was the only other person at the table she seemed to know. She had completely neglected her plate, trying her best to entice her fiancée into a conversation, trying to entertain the other guests, and switch into a role he knew she could only despise.</p><p>She was trying so hard, to put up a farce of something that simply wasn’t there. And with his mean calm facade, so was he.</p><p>As he walked further and further away from the dinner gathering, himself not finding much of an appetite, he couldn’t shake the image of her smiling hopefully across the table, hoping she could hold the attention of her own fiancé for a few full minutes. But that heart-wrenching sight of her was burned into the skin of his eyelids.</p><p>He could act as tough as he wanted and stay bitter till the end of time but there was never a moment that he wished ill upon her. Now she was going to a place he could no longer protect her. No longer look for clues about her problems in the places she hid them in. People leaving him wasn’t exactly a shocking event in his life but with Mai it was different. Mai was different.</p><p>She resided in the softest layers of his heart and he could only pretend to not be completely shattered thinking that he had destroyed her life. That he had taken her beautiful, carefree heart and smashed it into a bloody, throbbing mess in his unforgiving hands.   </p><p>He walked into a dark, covered alcove in the wall by the edge of the garden. He hadn’t realised when he had walked all the way to the other end of the lawn, far, far away from the festivities.</p><p>His head spun as he leaned against the wall for support and catch a grip on the alcohol-fuelled images in his mind. It kept turning back, back to her empty smile and to her pale, painted face. To the face that wasn’t Mai. But when he ran away from that, he crashed and fell against the images that were of fresh-faced Mai in the morning, to Mai smiling genuinely, down at a plate of desserts. To a straight-faced Mai, with excessive black liner. His Mai.</p><p>A few moments passed as he let the cooling breeze calm his troubled mind. Then, just as he was getting a hold of himself, he heard footsteps somewhere outside and hoped whoever it was would leave quickly or find another spot. A shadow crossed in front of him and rested in front of the grove within which he had taken refuge.</p><p>Zuko recognised Mai’s silhouette and if he hadn’t her signature sigh would have been a perfect giveaway. She took off the heels on her feet and discarded them to the grassy floor beside her. She smoothed her dress, making to sit down on the grass but before she could, Zuko spoke and she almost jumped out of her skin.</p><p>‘Had enough already?'</p><p>She took a second to catch her breath from the scare and turned around to face him as he moved closer to her.</p><p>‘I thought you left.’</p><p>He moved closer and closer, and Mai stepped back, almost pressing into the alcove wall behind her.</p><p>‘And abandon the merriment? The joyous celebration of the union of two star-crossed lovers?’ he circled an arm around her waist and placed his finger under her chin lifting her up to look at him. ‘I could hardly tear my gaze away.’</p><p>‘Zuko –</p><p>She placed her arm on his shoulder but didn’t push him away even as he leaned heavily on her, pressing her back and shoulders onto the gritty wall behind. She stayed still in his grasp, her eyes scanning his.</p><p>He moved his other hand and gently brushed a stray lock of her hair over her ear.</p><p>‘Have you imagined your life with beloved Rei?’ he whispered; the words came easily for they had been running through his mind from the moment he had received the invite days ago. His fingers traced their heat from her ear to her bare shoulder, squeezing her back into the wall just a bit. Enough to release the fire that was building in his gut.</p><p>He leaned closer, his lips hovering inches above her ears. ‘What will you cook for the silent breakfasts each morning?’ he breathed against her skin. ‘Trying to get him to show interest in you and his family. Wanting to know what keeps him busy. Putting up a show of a hollow relationship that doesn’t even exist. Sound familiar?’</p><p>Her eyes shot up at him and even in the dark grove, he could clearly see the hurt reflected in them as she recognised her parents’ doomed relationship spelled out in his words. And once again that horrid, horrid mix of feeling flooded his guts, and this time it was strong enough that it made him want to belch.</p><p>For now, he felt satisfied in showing her the mirror. The idea that he had used her deep-seated fear of replicating her parents’ relationship in her own and used it against her like the heartless scum he was, was something he knew would haunt him for the rest of his life anyway.</p><p>Why did he ever doubt his lineage at all?</p><p>‘It doesn’t matter to me,’ she replied, challenging him with a straight undaunted gaze. Just like he would expect.</p><p>‘Yes, but it will,’ his hand resting on her shoulder slid down and wrapped around her waist, where his other hand rested as well. He dipped his face closer, smelling the alcohol on his own breath and the faint scent of gardenias that were wrapped in her hair. His lips brushed against her earlobes and he heard her breath hitch. He placed a faint, ghostly kiss right below her ear, and traced a line of increasingly more heated kisses from her ear, down by the sharp curve of her jaw. Her breaths got airier with each kiss he dropped on his way to her chin.</p><p>Her pulse had quickened. He knew. He wanted to pull her impossibly close so he could feel it through her chest. The pounding of her heart, the way he knew only he could get it to react.</p><p>He lifted his face and looked down at her, trailing his gaze from her eyes to her lips. He wanted to kiss her hard. So hard that it would leave her lipstick in a mess and her hair completely undone. For that bastard Rei to see and know that her heart belonged to someone else.  </p><p>He bent down towards her but she raised her hand, and placed it on his jaw, pushing against his momentum so that their kiss was no more than a mere gentle brushing of their lips. Fainter than even the quiet hum of their breaths. Fainter than the memories of their first kiss that they had shared in Omashu.</p><p>‘I’m going to marry Rei,’ she said quietly. And just like that his resolve disappeared. His head was spinning once more and his arms went slack around her waist. ‘I want my family’s life back, Zuko. I want to perform the duties of an elder daughter. I need to give them stability and a name.’</p><p>‘I can give you that.’</p><p>‘It’s too late,’ she replied grimly, dipping away from his grasp.</p><p>‘I will change, Mai,’ he called after her. ‘I’ve done it before and I can do it again. I will change myself and give you everything you could possibly want in life and in love, just please,’ he implored, ‘don’t leave me. I’m a rotten and empty man without you. I need you.’</p><p>‘You don’t need me’ she replied, turning around, ‘You need someone that will make you want to change organically. Or someone that fits you as you are. I’m sorry that I could be neither.’</p><p>She took a step towards him, closing the gap between them, ‘you will always be my first love.’ She reached on her tiptoes and kissed him on his cheek, ‘maybe my only.’</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Zuko plunged his fingers into her hair and pulled her into a charged kiss. She wrapped her arms around his neck and gave herself to him. He tasted the salt of her tears on his lips as she whimpered in anguish against the desperate grasp of his hands on her body. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>She pulled him close, her lips passionately melded against his heated kisses, painfully reminded that this might be the last time they would hold each other this way. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>She still shook from the occasional sob that broke away from her chest but Zuko held her close, not breaking their final contact. He didn’t want to let go, he was afraid if he let go now, she would never come back. He kissed her gently, but also with force, with reckless abandon but also with caution. He wanted to imprint the feel of her skin, of her lips in his brain to last him a lifetime.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>They gasped softly as they broke off for air, still wrapped tightly in each other’s arms. Mai’s hands caressed his cheek, wiping away the tears that rested there. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>‘Don’t leave,’ he begged softly against her lips. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>She closed the distance and captured his lips once more. She would leave. Just not yet. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>She stepped away; her arm outstretched as Zuko held her wrist in his hand. This was goodbye.</p><p>‘I love you, Mai’</p><p>‘I don’t hate you, Zuko’</p><p>She gently released her wrist and left him alone in the alcove. Walking barefoot over the dewy grass following the speckled vision of lights that she could see through her teary gaze.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Not my usual stuff. Is all I can say.</p></blockquote></div></div>
</body>
</html>